River's very long short story- From daddy's prospective (Homebirth/ Waterbirth Story)

To my wife with love,

Forever will I carry this record of events during the quick four hours of labor and the events that unfolded around.  You were in labor-land- hyper focused on every sensation and feeling concentrating all your efforts on the introduction of a new beginning in our family. May this prospective of a first time father give breadth and color to your own story. 

In the morning, at the apartment on loan to us due to our air condition unexpectedly breaking, we weren't sure your water had truly broke, but in fact it did. It soaked the bed sheets. I felt it was important to affirm what you already knew in your heart to be true... the labour was upon us and our little River would be born in pond. When we learned about and had the option to choose water birthing we discovered the phycological, physiological, and spiritual comfort it would bring to our baby, you, and me during during the process. When our midwife Alisa presented birth options in the Birthing from Within class she held it  empowered both you and me offered me something I deeply desired, to also be involved and suportive of in the process. This option wasn't available in traditional hospital births. I wanted to hold you and our son at his arrival. I wanted to comfort you in a way quite profound and worth of bookmarking at the start of our marriage. Although we didn't expect to have a honeymoon baby, and pictured the first year of our marriage starting a different journey, this journey was much appreciated and accepted.  

May this letter also give you insight to the thought process of a husband and father in my effort to be a little bit more honest and vulnerable. With that being said...

I was terrified. Completely terrified in the months leading up to River's birthday. I though I would lose you to sickness. Your morning sickness never stopped, and that took a toll on your body and mind. I would hold up a throw up bucket in front of you as I would stroke your back and run my fingers through your hair, out of affections and care. I wanted to comfort you and fix a problem I could not fix. I had to lean into God more than I had previously in my life. I knew He was the author of our story and giving control to God was something that brought me a sense of peace, but it wasn't easy. In fact, it was quite difficult. A daily struggle. A minute by minute prayer for your survival. So yes, I was terrified. It brought about all these suppressed anxieties of my mother's birth story. She had a c-section, went into seizures after the birth of my twin brother and myself, and it began her life long struggle with brain surgeries and medication. I felt guilty for being born and causing that pain. This made me angry at myself for allowing this thought process to enter my mind. I wanted for nothing more than a healthy wife and healthy boy for birth story. your Hyperemesis gravidarum (hg) resulted in weight loss and a ton of issues, but I pray and our midwife was so loving in her care, both to you and to me. She gave us a plan, and I had my shopping list that looked like a herbalist's notebook. Most of the apothecary items were foreign to me, yellow dock root, rasberry leaf tea, tonics, herbal tinctures, creams, orange juice, vitamin k, black strap molasses... It looked more like a witches brew than my traditional understanding of medicine, but as we researched and read I saw that even though you were bed ridded for what seemed like months on end, and our tempers shortened, I knew Alisa was guiding us in the right direction. Especially since the lab results came back showing your body was health to support a water birth. 

After your water broke I knew I would not be back to work for several weeks, so I went to my office and sent off the prepared emails with instructions for others to support my job at the church. I had musicians lined up and a small army of people to support my work during this time during this time. 

I knew that the home birth wouldn't happen at the church so I started to pray our air condition would get fixed quickly and if it wasn't I needed to develop a backup plan other than a trip to the hospital that would rob us of our home birth plans. I was mentally prepared for that option. It was one of the lessons learned from Alisa's class- as the story changes we should be accepting of those events otherwise we would carry resentment, or guilt, and that may poison a cherished moment. 

When we arrived at the apartment the maintenance man, Efran was working on the unit. I gently imposed the urgency of the completion of the repair. I think Efran could see my quite desperation. It was a good sight to see him. It meant they had the parts to fix the busted A/C; the work would be completed shortly; we would avoid the scorching Texas heat in our second story apartment; we would be able to complete the journey that we hoped and planned for. I let Efran know you were about to give birth and we needed the apartment ready. I was bit embarrassed to let him know it was going to be a home birth due to it happening in an apartment and not a house. I was comforted in knowing Jesus was born in barn. Our little apartment was definitely not a barn, but it was what we could afford and we made it into a loving home with our lime green walls, bookshelves, and mismatching furniture.  

In the back of my head I was certain River's labor was going to be quick. I can't pin point why I felt that way but I knew it with certainty. You echoed what Alisa said about birth statistics, that the process may be very long and arduous. This acknowledgment allowed for openness that the the journey may go down any different path at any moment and that was okay. I did have a feared that my arms would turn into jello from massaging your back for hours and I may not be able to handle supporting you. I didn't know if I would be capable or enough to support you in the way you wanted to be supported, but I didn't want you to do it alone. I wanted you to feel comforted and supported.

The physical and phycological demand a labor has on involved husbands was realized in the process. And now I hardly recall all of the fatigue or inability to supoort you. It was overshadowed by your efforts, your strength, and the beauty I witnessed that day. 

You jumped in the shower and I had a heart to heart with Efran, "My wife's water just broke and we are going to have a baby soon." 

He responded, "Wow, get her to the hospital! Congratulations! Okay good luck! I do that for you mang. Your wife es gonna be so happy when your boy comes."

For the next hour I heard him banging on pipes and he never came back in. At one point you handed me the phone. Samantha, your old friend, explained to me that you were starting to not be coherent and you had a bunch of contractions, and that you may be in active labor. 

You walked around after the shower and eventually put on a skirt. I gave Samantha a list of things to get from the store for the birth. Snacks and drinks mostly. 

Your contractions came and went in waves each time with more intensity, but then at other times easing up a bit. 

Then Beate, Samantha's Aunt, knocked at our door. She was not part of the birth plan but she was experienced in the birthing process. I assumed Samantha told her and she invited herself. Once I allowed her through our door she immediately dropped to her knees and held you from the front while I massaging your back. You were uncomfortable. You moved from sitting one way to leaning a different way. You wedged yourself in the corner of our blue couch. It was a bit difficult  for me to get to your back but I did at an awkward angle.You pulled a mama cat and wedged yourself between the couch and the coffee table. 

I began speaking affirmations over you and Beate joined in. 

"It's okay. You can do it." Beate said. 

You moaned in pain.

"We're here for you." I said. 

After one hearty moan, "That was good," Beate said. At that point I tagged Samantha to swap with me.  She massaged. I do remember feeling my arms starting to sting, but it I knew you were going through so much it was not comparable. It felt the process had just started but I knew more time had passed than I realized. Our apartment was a bit messy. I started to clean up to allow space for Alisa's arrival and that we would be free of anything that we might trip over, dirty laundry, and clothes through on the floor. I quickly made a mental honey-do list that included this thought process and action:

- "Wow we are messy... make sure all the clothes get to the baskets"
- "Oops! All of our towels are dirty... I need to wash them quickly."
- "Oh no... we don't have quarters for the laundry machine! I need to get quarters real fast!"
- "Make sure I locate all the parts for the birthing pool so we don't have any issues."
- "We need cold-er water... get a bag of ice. The water from the tap was too warm so ice would regulate the birth tub temperature."

Then I grabbed the maroon Jeep keys and ran down the stairs to the car. I still had the idea it was going to be a quick labor, but I stated to think maybe it will be several more hours of labor until we get to meet our baby boy,  At this point I had adrenaline running through my veins. I first stopped at the ATM on the way to Gas station for that bag of ice. Then I went to the Kwik wash to get some Quarters for our apartment laundry machines. I know all those places are close to where we live but managed to do this all in less than 5 minutes. I was going well over the speed limit. I prayed I wouldn't get pulled over and started to drive a little bit slower. 

Once I arrived back home. I pulled out our birthing kit that had all the supplies set aside for the birth event. I pulled out the medium sized inflatable gray and blue birthing pool set up. As I set it up moaned and my heart melted with your cries. With each cry I could feel the tears swell in my eyes. I wanted to be done. And you called out for me. You said. "I need you." while looking at me with the same tear filled eyes. We needed each other in that moment. I moved towards you and began to cradle you and massage through each contraction until it passed. 

Grace and I had to figure out how to get the RV water hose connected to the faucet in kitchen. All my tools were in your van that was sitting in the church parking lot.  So some how I managed to bare hand it and unscrew the faucet without breaking it to connect the hardware. In between each contraction, Grace, Samantha, Beate, and I would have “whisper conversations” about your labor progress. Each of us predicting what the next event would be and the frequency of your contractions. The next thing I recalled, at Alisa's request, sent over Salli, her assistant, to our apartment, She sent her rather than coming first because she previously injured her leg. This wasn’t what you wanted at the time. I sent Alisa a text , “Whitney needs you now.”

At this point everything was ready and I felt I did the most I could do to make our home inviting, and prepare the birth pool, supplies, and snacks for the birth. You were going through all this intense sensations and getting really foggy sometimes rolling your head back against my chest.  I could see the labor taking its toll on you, but I have overjoyed at this point... I knew my first born, baby boy was about to debut. Today, is his birthday, I told myself. With all this joy in my heart I definitely didn’t want to smile in front of you and it was hard to hide the joy while you were having longer and more intense contractions. I didn't want you to confusing you with my smile. I felt it might hinder your progress. 

Alisa finally came running up the stairs with an ankle brace on.  Soon after her husband was at the door hauling up her birthing gear, a bag of Doppler monitor and other supplies. I thought it was hilarious that he was at our door because during our birthing class I was joking with Alisa asking if he ever worked as her assistant at a birth and she was mortified at the thought. But here he was in a unique circumstance helping her. The pool was finally filled up with warm water and a few ice cubes. We were now fully ready for this baby!

I meant a lot to me in that moment. There were all these people around supporting us. All the running around that I usually do for you people were doing for me as well. I was trying to be so gentle towards you. 

You said, “Water? Thirsty?” You would translate that into: Could someone please get me a glass of water with a few ice cubes in it and a green straw? It made me feel so secure that I could focus on you and know that not only God was there but he sent these angels too. 

I didn’t plan on getting in the pool. I didn't know you would need that but I wanted to ease the labor process and pushed aside going swimming with you. I knew if I got in I would then have to fully rely on others to help. All things changed when you got in and you were by yourself, no one was there to help you, and massage you. My empathy was on high alert when I saw you sitting by yourself. I bolted for my trunks and cannonballed. Well not really, it was more of an ease into it and I helped position your back against my body. I'll forever remember that place in the warm water. Time continued to stand still. I cherished every moment.  I kept time during that point by the song playing on our stereo. We managed to listen to half of the indie worship band “Agents of Future” Album before you asked to put on some Dave Barnes songs and Grace graced us DJing.  You were there but your energy seemed to be everywhere and your attention to the environment was lost. You may or may not remember this but you rested your weight on me in the pool. Our hands embraced. 

You tightened your grip and I quietly whisper into your ear, “I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong. God is with us. River will be here." As his head crowned I said, "Touch your baby. His head is sticking out." I moved your hand to his head and said, "There he is. Wow.” We touched him together at the same time. 

And you said, “My baby. Ohh. My baby.” This was another treasured memory. Book marked as the happiest moment I had ever experienced in my life. Not because our baby was born but because he was born while you were in my arms. We had a bond through marriage but this bond was even deeper.

There couldn’t have been a more perfect song for River to be born. As his head inched his way outthese lyrics Dave Barnes lyrics filled the room:

"There's a mountain, Here before me
And I'm going to climb it, With strength not my own.

He's gonna lead me, Or the mountain beats me
Carry me through, Carry me through

There's a river, Here before me
And I'm gonna cross it, with strength not my own
He's gonna save me, Or the river takes me.
Carry me through, Carry me through…"

I didn't know what to do when the time came but we did it together. Your body was enough. Your heart was enough. It helped me face the fears. Completely surrendering and holding onto God in this moment helped my faith and built my trust. Everything happened according to his plan. He wrote this story that we experienced. He strengthened my faith through witnessing your strength and perseverance in your weaknesses moment. He kept you alive and safe. Our healthy boy was born into loving arms. Forever will I carry this in my heart.

Your beloved,

Johnny  

Read Mommy's birth story (Whitney's Blog)