Tuesday, June 15, 2010

It could happen to you- FAIL

I happily arrived at the Olmos Perk coffee shop to work (surf the Internet and Facebook). A few design projects were beckoning my attention but who can work with Zero caffeine. It was muy caliente (extra hot)outside, like 100 degrees. So what I ordered had to be cooler than a polar bear's toe nails (OutKast "rap song" reference) and I found myself a great spot to sit with an end table, comfy chair, and most importantly, a surge protector. SIDE NOTE: Coffee shops should know that if they hide all the electrical outlets then they would make more $$$ because people like myself wouldn't loiter as long.

So I'm sitting enjoying a preview of some new music on iTunes when a cheery, clumsy girl walks up to me with a plate, a drink, a laptop bag/trendy purse, and her awkwardness. I'm an awkward person, but this girl made me feel awkward in a bad way. She seemed like the kind of person that would sit at a bus stop with her delicious sandwich and turn to the people next to her and says in lower-octave sluggish voice, "HAY GUIES, want sum of my sangwhich?" (-inside joke with my Whitney).

She decides to sit right next to me, even though there were tons of seats available. But I realized I was in prime surge-protector real estate and she did have a laptop bag/trendy purse. Either way I made "squinty eyes" at her in my mind. She would never know, because she just saw my silent Texas "howdy" nod, that I'm sure was genetically pass down to me from my grandfather.

As she placed her stuff down on the end table, as if squatting in protest, she declared a question that was more of a statement. "You don't mind sharing this table with me." 

I did mind actually, because it seemed a bit ridiculous to me that she had to sit there, but at the same time I really didn't care as long as she could let me WORK (stalk people on Facebook and find awesome jams on iTunes) in peace.

So she turned around to sit and grabbed both corners of her skirt (I was like, huh?) and pulled them forward, as if she were a bird or a stingray, and she sat down. I tried not to look at her directly, but I thought this just added to her awkwardness. The she folded the skirt onto her lap and then placed her laptop on top of her skirt. I assumed that it's one of those girl tricks that guys don't understand.

Then the awesome thing happened. She turned to me, picked up her cookie and said, "HAY GUY, want haf of my cooky?"

"No thank you. I appreciate it but... uh.. I just ate lunch." I really did just eat lunch at the most amazing  Chicago style hot dog place." (WITH MY WIFE) I know I'm an adult, but seriously I didn't want any of her cooties. Cooties are still very dangerous for adult men. 1 out of every 5 adult men has been recently affected by some awkward variation of cooties.

Then everyone settled in their spots and people came and went with their coffee. I started to download a new album from iTunes, totally engrossed with my computer screen of hypnotism.  

In fact, for like 5 minutes I was zoned out listening to one of the new songs I downloaded. I was staring at the "visualizer" screen, you know that weird colorful screen that reacts to the music playing. You should do it sometime. It's super-duper. In my trance I picked up the drink and took a sip.

My first thought was I didn't order cinnamon in my drink. 

My cup is a reusable cup. The one I drank from wasn't. I drank that girls iced cinnamon latte. I had already place the cup down before I fully processed what happened. (It could happen to you). For the next five minutes I stared blankly into the distance taking it all in.  

Do I tell her? Will I get all her diseases and sickness? Am I now a cooties victim, which is kinda like a toilet seat victim when you hear about people getting some weird STD from a toilet seat. Do I tell her? How would that play out? I would probably have to buy her a new drink. What will happen if she drinks it? Could I live with myself? What would Jesus do?

I watched her pick up the glass and not drink it and put it back down. Each time my heart jumped and I held my breath knowing I probably would tell her. Then I was thinking why do I want to tell her. She'll be okay. I'll be okay. I've shared food with homeless people downtown while helping the poor who lived under the bridge. I eat food off the floor when it falls sometimes, even after the 10 second rule. I've taken bites of a burger after hooking a worm while fishing. I could go on... but for some reason this was worse because I was victimized by her wanting to share a small end table, and because she was going be destroyed by the cooties of embarrassment if she took a sip. 

But she never did. She finished her half of the cookie, wrapped up the second half, and placed it in her purse. She left crumbs everywhere. On her shirt. On her skirts. On the table. On her face. Then just as she was about to leave, she picked up her drink. And left. Crisis avoided.


  1. stinkin' hilarious. i love the illustrations too! it looks JUST like OP!

  2. Rachel won today's give away of a free family photo shoot by our sponsor http://www.leavesofmytree.com valued at $1432!!!



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